


Too Scared or Too Afraid?

by littlesmile



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-08
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2020-04-19 17:21:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19137223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlesmile/pseuds/littlesmile
Summary: Ten was a freshman when he met Johnny.  They go to the same school. Ten developed a 2 year old crush towards Johnny.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there, it's been a while since I've wrote and posted something.   
> I often felt moody when it comes to writing and I felt like I lack the ability to write with great choices of words.   
> Again, I'm not the best at tagging so please do leave me a comment if there are any tags that I need to add. 
> 
> I wrote this in a week I think? I would like to dedicate this to @jaehyunsnooona and @okashima_ from twitter, shout out to my Johnten fam! i love you guys I hope you enjoy this.

Ten always hated dealing with his feelings.   
He easily falls for someone but every time it happens he always finds a way to get away with it.   
  
_"Ten, focus on your studies! that's the only thing that matters!"_ he told himself whenever he started catching feelings towards someone.   
  
However, this time, it felt like fate was a little too cruel on him. He told himself countless times as if it were a mantra; that falling for someone would do him no good. But whenever he see Johnny's smiles, it melts him. It inspires him to study more and to become better.  
  
_"I love playing basketball. It's my happiness, whenever I play, I feel free, In fact, I feel like I'm the happiest. It's weird! Haha."_ said Johnny  when asked regarding playing basketball. 

  
For once, Ten could remember something that he really liked to do: dancing.   
Dancing has always been his passion but there were a lot of things that's been stopping him. 

  
_"but what can you gain from dancing?"_

  
_"dancing would look better in girls."_

  
_"dancing? just focus on your studies! you'll never get a job from doing something this nonsense."_

 

  
so Ten decided to forget about it and completely focus on his studies but all of it changed when he met Johnny.

 

  
When people describe what it's like to fall in love they often say that there would be blooming flowers, chirping birds and the feeling of positivity spreading, it was hard to believe because it only happens on dramas, right? But Ten was able to see for himself. He experienced the feeling and told himself

  
"I wish this feeling won't go away." 

  
  
The impact of Johnny towards Ten was pretty solid. He gathered all of his courage  to pursue dancing and practiced every day. He worked hard because of Johnny, his inspiration which kept him going. He never thought he would do things because of hi. . It was unbelievable how the so called "love" could make him do the impossible.

  
They had encountered each other a few times only but they never had a proper conversation. Johnny was so kind, he smiled a lot and gosh he smelled so good! 

  
_"Was it even possible to fall even more for you when I'm already in love?"_ Ten told himself, feeling his heart beat. 

  
  
Every day he would wake up early to come to school to catch Johnny practicing basketball. He would sit somewhere nearby and read his books. 

  
"Ten!" the tall guy from the court called to him. 

  
"you're Ten, right?" said the same guy, flashing his charismatic smile. 

  
"Y-Yeah." Ten answered shyly, covering his book on his face when the tall guy sat by his side. 

  
"I'm Johnny! and uh, well, I was hoping if you could help me with my studies, just history will do! I'm having troubles with memorizing, so if it's fine by you?" ah, at a closer look he could better hear that soothing voice and see those beautiful eyes, it was no doubt Johnny. 

  
He could never resist Johnny and besides it's not like Johnny was using him. The guy  'kindly' asked him to help him with his studies. He admitted to himself that he was never the smart student but he was a hard worker.   
  
"I'm not really smart, but I'll try my best to help you." Ten answered with all his courage just to not get tongue tied.

  
"Thank you! Can we maybe review at the library after classes? It would be great if you can help me every day. I know it's too much, so it's okay if it's only thrice a week." Johnny scratched his head, cheeks tinted with a soft hue of red.   

  
"oh, and I'll buy you food!" he added.

  
"It's okay, hyung! I need to study anyway."  

  
"Really? Thank you so much!" Johnny shoot his best smile. 

  
Gosh, Ten could melt at any moment!   
  
  
  


* * *

 

  
Being a Thai student at a Korean school was hard. He needed to study very well in order to catch up and that's when he met a struggling student named Dong Sicheng.  

  
Sicheng was also not Korean. He's from China and due to his family's business he was forced to move in South Korea to study.   
He was struggling with Korean and Ten ended up becoming friends with him. 

  
"hyung, when will you tell Johnny-hyung about your feelings?" asked Sicheng out of the blue when Ten spaced out. 

  
"w-what?" He was surprised by the question. 

  
"Ten-hyung likes Johnny-hyung, right?" the Chinese boy asked.   
  


"w-what are you talking about?" Ten almost went on panic mode.    
  


"It's obvious, your eyes sparkle when you see him, you smile when he smiles." he explained.  
  


"f-fine, you got me there, but let's keep it a secret, okay?" he was quite nervous, heart thumping crazily.    
  


"okay but you should tell him your feelings." still he insisted.   
  


"maybe if you get better with Korean I might consider." he added, smiling to easen up the building pressure.   
  


"I will work very hard, then!" Sicheng responded eagerly.  
  
  


 

* * *

 

 

Sitting in front of Johnny for almost every day was very difficult for Ten. Moreover, he had to control himself, his words as he might stutter when Johnny gets a little close and somehow he managed to control them, himself.  

  
  
Johnny continued studying with Ten after his upcoming tests, as a result this brought them closer. They became good friends and he couldn't believe that all of these happened. Little by little he was becoming something to Johnny's life. It felt great, the feeling was just indescribable.   
  
  
One year has passed so quickly. Ten was now a sophomore while Johnny, now a Junior. The days of him graduating was fast approaching and the thought made Ten sad, he didn't want to dwell on this feeling but what happens needs to happen and there was no stopping this.   
  
  
Their relationship gradually became better   
compared to last year and sometimes they would hangout however, he was still a little awkward around Johnny.   
They were able to talk a bit more and get to know more about each other. It was still a mystery to Ten how all of these happened but all he knew was that he was grateful.  
  


 

* * *

 

  
"Ten-hyung, I'm surprised that you're able to control your feelings for Johnny-hyung." Sicheng blurted out.   
  


"Yeah, me neither." Ten was staring blankly at a wall.   
  


"Wait a second, Sicheng was that you?" he switched his gaze from the wall to Sicheng.   
  


"Yes, hyung, was there a problem?" The Chinese boy looked a little confused, he didn't know what Ten was trying to imply.   
  


"Goodness! your Korean has improved a lot. How is this possible, huh?" Ten was surprised. Sicheng's pronunciation became better, even his tone whenever he speaks in Korean. Ten felt like a proud mom.   
  


"Really? I worked hard. I was trying my best to speak in Korean more and communicate with Korean people." the curve on his lips formed into a smile.   
  


"also, last year do you remember what you told me?" he added.  
  


"no, please enlighten me." Ten looked puzzled.   
  


"alright, so last year you told me that if my Korean improved then you would confess to Johnny-hyung." The Chinese boy answered with confidence.  
  


"Are you serious? d-did I say such thing?  w-wait... hold on..  I think I remember something." he stared at the ground, trying to recall a certain scenario.    
  


Sicheng was quiet, allowing his friend to think when--

 

"Oh my gosh!  I did say it. How could I forget?" Ten covered his mouth in excitement, eyes widened.    
  


"Sicheng. I'm so scared. I don't think I can do it." his tone grew worried.    
  


"But if you don't tell him now, then when will you?" he said with a straight face.    
  


"You're right. I just have to prepare myself for the worst, right?"   
  


"If I were him, I would fall for you because you're very sweet and also a hard working person." said Sicheng.   
  


"You never hesitate to help when someone is in need. You are always positive despite the struggles you face. Honestly, I think you're really nice." he added.   
  


"Sicheng are you confessing to me?" Ten's face was all red. Not only Sicheng was able to point out his good points but also, he was able to use such words.    
  


"Hyung, I was just speaking the truth." he was serious about this, Ten could see it on his eyes that this wasn't a confession, it was his honest thoughts of him.   
  


"and besides you should tell him how you feel, Johnny-hyung is now in his last year." he added.  
  


"I really appreciate this Sicheng, but I don't think I can tell him how I feel. I don't feel like I'm ready."  
  


"Sometimes, you don't have to be."  
  
  
That last statement was stuck on his head. Great, now Ten was even more confused if he should let Johnny know about his feelings. But he's scared, too scared that what they have could be ruined. He's scared that the day he fear will come, that Johnny would find him disgusting and detest him just because of a stupid confession.   
Everything could go to waste and he wasn't sure if he was ready to risk it all. He wasn't that selfish to force himself on him.   
  


 

 

* * *

 

  
  
Days passed by and Ten has finally decided that it was best if he avoided Johnny, to sacrifice what they have rather than to be detested by the man he very much looked up to. It was much easier to digest the thought of Johnny leaving him, without even knowing of his feelings for him. Ten knew he was stronger than this, that forgetting him would be the same as setting him free. This wasn't about him being selfish, this was for Johnny.  

  
He took a deep breath after the class ended. He successfully avoided Johnny for one week straight just because Johnny was busy. He had basketball practice and he needed to study more. At first Johnny thought that Ten was just a little busy so he didn't bother but when normal days came by, he didn't even get not a single hi. That was weird.

  
It's been weeks that Ten hasn't talked to Johnny. He missed him so much but he needed to be strong. He needed to do what was right, and that was to go back to the day when they didn't know each other. It would've been great if it was only him who had to endure this, to avert his gaze away from him. He could live like this but things don't always go accordingly.   
Yeah, he met Johnny. He became his friend but if being his friend would only end up into flames then he would've very much prefer to not befriended him at all.    
  
  
An unexpected day came. Ten was feeling everything was pouring down on him as though someone was raining on his parade.   
  
  
_"alright, class just ended. Ten you can do this. At this hour, he's practicing so you can get away with this--"_

  
  
"Ten!" 

  
"...."

  
He pretended that he didn't hear anything, 

He pretended that he didn't recognize whose voice it belonged to. 

He pretended that hearing his voice made his heart sank. 

  
_"I miss you so much"_ he said to himself, walking away from him. 

  
  
but the tall figure calling his name was able to catch up anyway. He hurriedly approached him, hands on his shoulder blades, forcing him to look at the man behind him.   
  


"Ten, what's wrong? "worried was written all over his face. Ten was not in the right state of mind to read what else was going on. At this rate if he doesn't dodge this, all of his efforts would go down to waste.  

 

"Oh hi, Johnny-hyung!" his lips twitched awkwardly.  
  


Something obviously went wrong. Oh no.   
  


"Ten please tell me, why are you doing this? "his eyebrows knitted together, grip tightening.    
  


"hyung, what are you saying.." Ten feigned innocence.   
  


"at first I thought you were just busy. I know you were, but not a single hi? you weren't even responding to my messages." Johnny was still calm at this point.   
  


"I was busy. I had a lot of things to do. I-I.. my phone is defective--" the amount of lies weren't believable at all. Ten was losing. No, he can't.   
  


"am I a horrible friend? am I treating you badly? tell me! I don't want you to avoid me for no reason. Please, if there's anything you want to say, let me know." Johnny was losing his cool, it was so unusual of him.   
  


seeing the man that he loves like this breaks his heart to pieces. He never wanted to be the reason to make Johnny feel like this, to be the bad guy, to sound like a villain torturing a hero.   
  


"N-no, No, No!" his small voice suddenly became louder, frustration echoed on his voice. 

  
  
"It's not you at all, it was never you. Please just go." his voice cracked, his emotions played him. 

  
  
He lost his composure and ended up breaking into tears, everything piled up. It was just too much. 

  
  
"p-please no more, I can't handle the pain." Ten cried even more. 

  
  
"Please l-let this be over." his lips stuttered

  
  
Johnny had no idea what Ten was going through, he could only watch, shocked evident on his face. Slightly panicking, he's never been on a situation like this so he wasn't so sure but all he remembered    
was a memory of when he was a kid,    
whenever he cry, his mom would wrap her arms around him, comforting him by gently stroking his back till he stopped crying.   
  
He pulled the shorter male into a hug.   
His hands approached the other's back, slowly stroking him back and forth. 

  
Ten felt a warm embrace from the man in front him. The warmth that enveloped his body was soothing. He didn't want to let go when the man spoke. 

  
  
"I'm sorry Ten.q I didn't know how hard it was for you. What you were going through, I didn't  know any of it." his right hand motioned up to his nape, softly caressing it. 

  
  
Ten finally snapped back to reality. 

  
  
"Ah no, it's not your fault. It was mine. I'm sorry hyung, I should've at least let you know but I didn't.. because I didn't want to bother you." Ten lied,  but not exactly. It was still the truth except that he didn't tell the whole details.  

  
  
"I know we're not on that level yet, to be discussing about problems but know that I'm here, whenever you need me. You can talk to me. I'm willing to listen." Johnny looked so solemn, his voice was low yet comforting.   
  
  
How reassuring, if only I could tell you everything.   
  
  
  
"Thank you hyung, I will surely remember that." he smiled at him.   
  
  
  
They ended up walking home together.  Johnny wanted to walk him to his apartment but Ten decided he was against it but somehow ended up being accompanied anyway.    
  
  
  
"You don't live with your parents?" Johnny was surprised.   
  


"Well, you see.. my family is Thai and they don't speak Korean so.. it's only me."   
  


"Oh, right-- I forgot about that,  haha, silly me." 

"it's okay!" 

  
"also, earlier... please forget that it happened. That was so embarrassing." Ten sadly looked down on his feet.    
  


"why?"  
  


"b-because I cried in front you like a little girl and that wasn't manly at all." he tried to come up with a valid reason on the spot, phew.   
  


"oh." 

 

"satisfied now? "   
  


"but I don't think it makes you any less of a man if you cry."   
  


Ten was about to say something when Johnny continued.   
  


"My mom told me that it's okay to let out your emotions. Cry as much as you want, because emotions were given to both boys and girls. Therefore, you have every right to cry. It isn't exclusive for girls only." there goes his solemn look that Ten thought he likes a little too much.   
  


"your mom is a great person, and you're a up son. I'm sure she's proud of you."

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

Ten started talking to Johnny again. The two hung out more than they used to and Ten couldn't help but to fall for Johnny more and it was deep, deeper than he could've imagined, he was scared again because there goes his mind going crazy, over thinking; making its own story and ending which doesn't look good. 

"Let's just endure this, most likely once he graduates he'll be busy and eventually forget about me."

and so Ten used that reason to hold on, to lock his feelings away despite seeing the man that he loves. 

He could go on like this, and pretend that everything's going to be alright. It will be all over soon.   
Life was great again before time inched little by little to the day that he didn't know he feared. 

 

It was like there was a big time skip and now he's standing in front of the man that he loves, legs frozen and his lips were twitching. He couldn't explain what he was doing here and what was he supposed to do.   
There he was, Johnny being greeted and congratulated by his lowerclassmen. He was surrounded by a lot of girls and they were a little too close to which Ten averted his gaze away. 

He has mixed emotions. His stomach was churning, feeling like he was going to throw up any moment due to this anxious feeling.   
It was as though, all of his fears materialized and was ready to consume him. He felt cold sweat running down his temples, his legs were shaking and he couldn't face this. He wasn't ready to let go, to be hurt and to feel like the world was crashing against him. 

He took a deep breath and allowed himself to calm down even though at this rate, at this very moment it was impossible. But when he looked at Johnny, he momentarily felt a rush of euphoria but also a little scared at the same time. Thinking of all the possibilities he knew he wasn't brave enough to face him and confess his feelings. 

"No, don't be selfish Ten. Don't just come out there and ruin his day." he finally decided when he felt a pair of eyes looking at him.   
His gaze was piercing, two brown eyes looking at him which overwhelmed him as he could not decipher what they were trying to say. 

He couldn't collect his thoughts together, not knowing what to say. 

"J-Johnny-hyung.. I was uh--" what in the world was he trying to say? come on Ten you can do this. 

"I-I was uh, not um... I--" at this moment he could feel that tears were threatening to fall. His feelings were betraying him, which angered him. 

"I-I wasn't l-looking or what, I-I'm just..." his third attempt to talk to him wasn't that bad but it just didn't make sense. 

 

Johnny was only looking at him, worried was now evident on his face. 

"you're supposed to congratulate me, silly." Johnny flashed his best smile. Gosh that beautiful smile, Ten missed that smile so much. It's been almost two weeks since they've last seen each other. Johnny was busy due to his graduation practice. 

Ten didn't realize how unstable he was and that surprisingly, spending time with Johnny has brought him confidence to which he was the complete opposite now, of being confident. 

"C-congratulations J-Johnny-hyung.." his lips twitched once more, his words were stuttering a bit and Johnny couldn't take a hint to why Ten felt uneasy. All he knew that his junior, schoolmate and friend was upset because of him graduating but he didn't know he was this affected, in fact Ten looked the saddest among the people who congratulated him. Could it be that Ten was attached to him? 

"Thanks! but isn't there something you should be telling me?" he wasn't certain so he could only confirm from the other person. 

There it comes, a flash of anxiousness coming through, his body was tensed whilst his hands were unsteady, fidgeting nervously. He felt like at this moment there was no escape, no matter how hard he tried. 

"I--I..Thank you, for t-the time we spent." He managed to say, his face looking down.

 

"F-for inspiring me t-to do dancing.." Ten took a deep breath to calm himself. 

 

"I-I studied very hard because of y-you." he bit his lip, thinking of his words carefully. 

 

"I t-think I was able to b-become better because of y-you." 

 

"S-so thank you h-hyung." he added. 

Johnny was not expecting those words although he appreciates them very much. 

"I'm really happy to know that Ten but Is there anything else that you want to say?" Johnny just wanted to make sure. 

at the mention of those words it felt like Johnny was expecting more, like he read what Ten really wanted to say because he knew he wasn't being completely honest. 

"I.." just the thought of Johnny being disgusted by him made him more down and stressed but he was now cornered, wasn't he? 

"I.." he was so bad at trying, now it looked like Johnny was getting impatient. 

Before he could even try, tears started streaming down his face. His fear was consuming him whole. His breathing was uneven which worried Johnny. 

"H-Hey, Ten are you okay?" Johnny reached out to him, his hand was stroking his back, gently and soothing and Ten was lost for a few moments. 

"I'm sorry." Ten took a deep breath. 

"f-for the times that I avoided you."

"for not talking to you."

"for busying myself."

"t-the truth is, I.. wasn't busy at all" the thoughts were like haunting him. Ten cried even more. His emotions were stubborn. He knew he was better than this but when it comes to love he becomes an emotional wreck. 

"y-you've really helped me, you made school bearable." tears continued falling, his hands were wiping them but they were no use because he couldn't control his emotions.

"y-you made me believe t-that I should follow my dreams." he continued wiping his tears when he felt a cloth softly pressing against his cheeks. It was Johnny's handkerchief. 

"go on." his voice was gentle, soothing and pampering. 

"you've.. I.." Ten was in a moment of contemplating, he couldn't bring himself to say those words. Afraid to be rejected, afraid to be detested by the person he adored so much, afraid that Johnny will turn his back against him. He couldn't afford for their relationship to end this way. Ten was in a state of panicking when he felt strong arms gently wrapped around him; the familiar scent and the comforting heat somehow calmed him down. 

"I like you, too." said Johnny. 

at first Ten's mind didn't process that, but those words echoed on his head. He didn't know if his head was playing some sort of trick on him but when Johnny noticed that Ten wasn't reacting nor moving he felt the need of repeating himself. 

"I like you, Ten." he rephrased. 

 

"w-wait, what? y-you don't hate me?" those words brought clarity to his clouded mind. Clouded with negativity. The impact of those words were like a breath of fresh air as if all the pressure on his shoulder dispersed.   
It felt great, but he still couldn't believe it. 

"wait, so all this time you thought I would hate you, just because you like me, was that it?" Johnny finally connected all of the puzzles to which Ten only nodded. 

 

"so you like me, yeah?" a smirk could be seen from his lips. 

again, he only nodded. 

"please let me hear you say it." there he goes again, with his honey voice that Ten adored. 

 

"I.." Ten bit his lips nervously but Johnny was patient, waiting for him no matter how long it takes. 

"-like you.." his voice was small, it cracked because he has never confessed to someone, to anyone and to be liked was too much for him, it was overwhelming. He didn't know someone would like him, he has never imagined that the person he liked would like him back. 

"again." his voice was soft, almost like a whisper, his hands moved to his back stroking him gently. 

"I like you.. a lot." he was still nervous but he had to do it. 

"I like you, too, Ten. So much." his hands withdrew from his back, cupping his face. 

"May I kiss you?" to think that he asked for permission makes Ten's heart beating crazy. 

"y-yes, you may." he granted permission when the man slowly inched closer, his lips pressed against him. It was a chaste kiss. Just pure and sweet. 

He could feel his foot tapping behind, a weird gesture that he does when he's all giddy and shy. 

"I'm sorry that I didn't know about your feelings, I could've been more sensitive." Johnny looked sorry. 

"hyung, I hid it from you because I didn't want you to know, because I was too scared, scared that you would feel disgusted." just reminiscing those thoughts, Ten could feel his throat tightening and eyes becoming a little watery. 

 

"I'm sorrry that you feel that way, Ten. Bht don't worry. I'll take good care of your heart, Ten." Johnny reassured, his hand gently wiped his small tears.

 

"it's okay, you'll be okay." he added, which was comforting. 

 

Everything that Johnny did nor said was so comforting. He wished that this feeling would last forever, that he could cling onto him and forget about all of his problems that Johnny doesn't know of. 

"I know being with me doesn't magically solve all of your problems but I'm here for you, Ten." he pulled him into a hug once more, holding him tightly. 

"I love you." said Johnny.

**Author's Note:**

> as always constructive criticism is welcome! come shout at me @skyemoonlite


End file.
